She Knew It Was Wrong
by 20Waffles20
Summary: Summary: Derek/Emily pairing... kind of. It's a little dark though. Story features the team and J.J. and her older brother (my creation of course).
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: The double break signifies a change in perspective on the same events. There are disturbingly few Derek/Emily stories, so I figured I'd contribute to the cause. This is my second-ish attempt, so please let me know what you think.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing to do with Criminal Minds, but oh how I wish I did...**

She knew it was wrong. She knew that every time she gave in, every time she knocked on his door, she did damage to their friendship. It was surprisingly easy to rationalize though, and continued to grow easier still. At this point, even if they stopped completely, there would be no salvaging their relationship. Whatever professional rapport they had was long since abandoned.

It had begun easily enough, a few drinks on a night out with the team. They had just slipped away from the group. Neither of them had anticipated the initial evening together, nor the subsequent evenings spent in each other's company. They both knew what they were doing, there was no doubt about it. They were in a stressful, high-paced job. A career that didn't typically lend to much of a social life. There weren't any rules at the Bureau that specifically said that you couldn't screw your partner, and that's what they were doing. It wasn't emotional in the least.

Emily couldn't for the life of her figure out why, but their little arrangement was completely on her terms. This only served to make her feel all the more worse about walking up the path to his house at one o'clock in the morning. Was she using him, or was he using her? Derek Morgan could certainly have his pick of women, so why make himself available for the intermittent booty calls from Emily? Why did she go to him? It wasn't like she had any trouble in the attraction department. Plenty of men drooled over her on a regular basis.

Morgan had a reputation around the office, maybe that's why she had initially been drawn to the idea of being with him that night so long ago. Then a rather unsavory thought dawned on her, did she have that reputation as well? She didn't have time to draw a conclusion because he pulled the door inward. He was looming in the threshold, and her many thoughts dissipated. He greeted her the same way that he always did when she called on him late at night. He reached out and cupped her jaw in his hand. His thumb traced the bone momentarily before pulling her toward him for a suffocating kiss. It was always the same, but it was always good.

* * *

There was something to be said about waking up just as the light from the sun touched down in a room. It produced a unique glow, one that was unrivaled. Emily had always found that for her, for this brief moment in time, there was an excruciating amount of clarity. She dragged her eyes from the window until they eventually landed on the soft brown skin of her partner. That had shocked her at first. He was a muscular man, but she had always melded into him. In the past she'd found that most hard-bodies were just that, hard. And yet she'd never been more comfortable than when she was resting against Derek's chest.

Emily had been a lot of things in her life, but she had never been the type of woman to sleep around. She'd learned that lesson painfully, and early on. That's what made her periodic visits to Derek even more of an enigma. Still, she couldn't understand why he kept letting her come back.

She looked at the clock on his bedside table. They'd have to be at work in a few short hours. Slowly, she began her all too normal morning routine. She quietly slipped out from under the covers, and then gathered her clothing before stalking to the en suite bathroom.

She already knew how it would play out. She'd noiselessly exit his bedroom, and then descend the stairs. She'd go home to an empty apartment. Then she'd prepare herself for a day at work. No matter what time she left, she'd consistently arrive just before her shift officially started. She'd enter the bullpen in a fluster, and then sit down to a desk that was occupied by a warm cup of coffee. It was always the same.

* * *

No matter how many times he got the text message, Derek would always breathe a sigh of relief. He knew it wasn't healthy. He couldn't quite figure out how he had ended up stranded in this position though.

The first night had been on a whim. They'd been at a bar with the team, and they'd been the only one's without dates. Even Reid had been chatting up a new friend. It started as a joke. The others had taken to the dance floor, and Penelope had insisted that the two of them should dance together before joining the others herself. He had seen the demand for what it really was. Penelope knew that if everyone else had gone to dance, Emily would have just quietly retreated from the evening.

He'd pulled his reluctant partner along, but had been surprised when she actually started to enjoy herself. Sure, they'd all have fun when they would go out together, but he had never seen her just let loose. Their usual flirtatious banter had quickly become much more realistic than it had previously been. After a few breathlessly seductive murmurs, Derek and Emily had simply walked out through the front door.

His mind came back to the present. Long ago, he'd acquired the ability to know exactly how long it took her to get to his place. He pulled the door firmly open to find her standing on his porch, her bottom lip falling victim to her teeth. She was always so deep in thought. Always worried about the ramifications. Every time she showed up, he could always see the guilt etched on her face.

He had been drawn to her since they met. There was something about her that made him feel like she needed protecting. He was aware that it was an odd sensation. By all rights, the woman could probably kick his ass. But it was in the back of his mind nevertheless. Seeing her so utterly helpless, he just wanted to reach out to her. And he always did.

* * *

It was painful, but he knew that it had to be on her terms. It killed him to feel her stir in the mornings, to know that she would walk away from him without saying a word. He had faith though. He'd never been closer to another person, and he knew that she would eventually figure it out. She'd ultimately come to understand why she felt so guilty, standing at his doorstep in the middle of the night.

He'd let her go, but he'd make sure that she knew he wasn't going anywhere. There'd be a small token, something to let her know that he cared for her. He was a patient man, and he knew that she was a smart woman. It wouldn't take too much longer for her brain to catch up with her heart.

**A/N: I don't know why these always turn out so dark when I attempt them...**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Due to incessant nagging... I'm just kidding, I love it! Seriously though, several of you have asked me to continue this story. I think I've come up with something semi-entertaining, we shall see. **

He'd decided that there comes a point in time when you just have to resign to what fate has offered you. For whatever reason, Derek wanted to be with her and there was nothing that could change that. He hadn't made up his mind, but it had been made up for him.

He kind of thought it was funny. Everyone always talks about finding his or her true love. No one had ever mentioned to him that the prospective other half didn't always realize that you were his or her missing piece at the same time. Really, how likely is it that two people would acknowledge something like that at the exact same moment?

Maybe he had been naïve about it, but he was fairly new to the concept of love. He loved his mother and sisters of course, and he loved his friends. The team had practically become an extended family in the time that he'd known them, and with the things that they'd been through together. He loved them all a great deal and he'd do anything for them, but what he felt for Emily was different.

It was an insatiable need to be near her. It wasn't sexual, not completely; he just wanted to be with her as much as possible. When he wasn't by her side, he yearned to be. In the time that they had worked together, there were few occasions in which Hotch had paired Emily with someone other than Derek during a case. Now, when she was in the field without him, he was overcome with worry. It wasn't that he didn't trust the team, or her. It was just that if he wasn't there to protect her, she wasn't safe in his mind.

He knew that he was in too deep, but he felt helpless. What were his options? He could tell her that he couldn't go on the way that they were, that he needed more. He could also cut his losses and try to find someone that wanted to be with him as much as he wanted to be with them. It wasn't fair to him, the way that they were carrying on.

A knock at his office door drew his attention. "Hey." Speak of the devil, he thought. Emily was leaning through the now partially opened door, not fully entering. "Thanks for the coffee." She tilted her head to the side and he quickly composed himself. He didn't want her to know that he was deep in thought. They were still good friends, and he wanted to avoid the inevitable 'What's wrong?'. He was a good liar, but he knew damn well that she wouldn't miss it.

"No problem," he cleared his throat, suddenly aware of how long he had gone without speaking. He'd holed up in his office after getting in early and strategically placing the hot beverage on Emily's desk, he wasn't in the mood to put on a playful front for his friends. He smiled lightly, and then dropped his attention back to the files on his desk.

"Right," Emily said as she slowly pulled herself upward, and out of his office. He looked up again as the door clicked shut. He swallowed hard, and then went right back to thinking. This thing that they had was definitely starting to affect his work.

**A/N: Uh-Oh! Derek doesn't sound to happy about their little arrangement anymore, does he?**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: A little bit lengthier chapter. I'm trying to find my groove here people. This is un-betaed, so let me know if you come across any mistakes please.**

Emily had walked away with a bitter taste in her mouth. It wasn't because Derek had seemed upset or angry with her, he'd just seemed disinterested in general. So enthralled in contemplation, she nearly walked straight into J.J. as the other woman exited her own office.

"Oh! Hey, Em." J.J. rearranged the folders in her arms. "I was just headed to see you." She started walking again, knowing that Emily would fall in step. "Garcia wants the gang to go out tonight, what do ya say?"

"I'd love to," Emily returned exuberantly. "I could definitely use a drink right about now."

"Great," J.J. said as they reached Emily's desk. "We'll hit Ziggy's when we get off. Now I just have to wrangle a 'yes' out of Hotch and Dave."

"Morgan's in?" Emily asked, surprised.

"Not as of yet," J.J. called over her shoulder, "but he's Garcia's charge. Knowing him, she won't have a problem." With that, she disappeared into Hotch's office.

Emily raised her eyebrows. Judging from her brief interaction with Derek, Garcia was going to have to turn on the charm.

* * *

They had gotten out of the office a bit later than usual, but they had gotten out of the office. That was a small miracle for them. They may end up having to fly out tomorrow but, for today, an impromptu conference call with a sheriff's department in Wyoming would suffice.

The team moved as a cohesive unit through the bar, gathering around their usual table on the far right before each taking a seat. The women always gravitated toward the end of the table nearest to the wall, and Hotch always took the seat on the end with his back to the bar. They would have a nice meal, and then settle in to one another. They spent a lot of time together but, for the most part, that time was spent in professional atmospheres. It was easy to forget just how personable Hotch could be, for even he loosened his tie when the team went out together.

They were well into their third round of drinks, and one of Dave's stories, when J.J.'s phone began to vibrate. She quickly excused herself before rushing outside. She returned, moments later, with a glow that Emily couldn't quite figure out. "Who was that?" Reid asked, beating her to the same question.

"My big brother," J.J. answered, not fully suppressing a childlike grin. "He just got into town. You guys mind if he joins us?"

For the most part, the group shook their heads to indicate that they didn't have a problem with the idea. Garcia, on the other hand, emphatically bellowed. "Absolutely not!" She took great care to enunciate the words.

J.J. couldn't help but giggle at her friend. That was a reaction she had gotten used to in high school. "Well, you clearly remember him." He had picked J.J. up for lunch a few years back, and he'd insisted on taking the nickel tour of Quantico. Emily and Dave shared a similar look of confusion as the rest nodded along with J.J.'s comment.

Penelope took in Emily's expression, and then dramatically brought a hand to her chest. "Oh, my darling, you haven't had the pleasure?" Emily slowly shook her head. It was best to just let Garcia go. She'd eventually get to her point, and she was definitely entertaining along the journey. "Her brother is at a level of hotness that rivals that of our own little stud muffin." She spared a moment in her description to cast an apologetic glance in Derek's direction. Emily followed the tech's eyes to see that the men had already lost total interest in the discussion. "He's a certified cutie patootie," Garcia assured.

"Cutie patootie?" Emily scoffed.

"As in: he's got an adorable face, and a nice patootie," Garcia clarified without shame. "Dimples to die for, and the prettiest eyes I believe I have ever seen on a man."

Emily smiled slightly, catching J.J.'s eyes in an attempt to convey empathy.

"Actually," J.J. started. "Are you seeing anyone, Em?" Her eyes bulged involuntarily, giving her away. "Oh no, this wasn't a setup," J.J. quickly reassured. "He's here to see Henry at his first t-ball game tomorrow, just got in a little early."

"I don't know." Emily shook her head. "It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen to me." She had learned how to politely decline invitations from her mother, and she was very good at it. J.J. would probably take a little more work than most, but she could get out of anything.

J.J. laughed at Emily's sudden nervousness. She'd never met her brother, but even the thought of being thrown at him clearly scared the hell out of the brunette. "Tell ya what, why don't you just talk to him and see if you like him? Then, if you'd like to pursue anything, I'll give him your number."

Emily sat in silence, staring at her friend as if the other woman was asking her to cure cancer with the implements presently at her disposal. Her eyebrow quirked. That'd probably be a remarkably hard task with just an empty glass.

J.J. pushed just a little further. "He's not really your type, but I think that the two of you would get on well."

Derek was sitting on Hotch's left. It'd be a dead giveaway that he had been eavesdropping, but he had to interject. "Your brother? Wouldn't he be a little young for Em?"

"Derek…" J.J. breathed out in disbelief of her friend's rudeness.

"What?" Emily asked, a very misleading smile in place. "Don't tell me you're jealous, Pretty Boy?" She threw just enough venom into the playful nickname to let him know that it wasn't so playful, but not enough for the others to pick up on it.

If his stunned expression was anything to go by, that was probably the last response he had been expecting.

"Jay!" Everyone's attention was quickly drawn to the man approaching their table.

"Jason!" J.J. stood to greet her brother.

**A/N: Jason! Picture Ryan Kwanten... that is all.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: The italics are a flashback. *sigh* I'm supposed to be writing another story, but damn if you reviewers don't keep pulling me back in!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with True Blood either, but I did borrow Jason from there.**

J.J. spun out of the embrace with her brother, and then tugged him toward the table. The others had stood as well, in anticipation of greeting the newcomer. "This is Dave," she introduced, as he was nearest to them. Then her face took on a deviousness that was usually only worn by Garcia. "You know the rest of them," she dismissed with a wave, even as Hotch held out his hand. Instead, J.J. pulled her brother by the arm to her now vacant seat across from Emily. "I'll just go grab a spare chair." She started to walk away, and Emily was almost grateful. Almost. "Oh, and this is Emily. She is _very_ single." With that, the blonde was gone.

Emily let out a sound that was somewhere between a nervous chuckle, and a desperate scream for help. She turned pleading eyes to Garcia, and the other woman happily proceeded to intervene. "So, Jason, how long are you in town?"

The rest of the conversation was lost on her as Emily's thoughts ran rampant. She was so immensely relieved, glad that Garcia had rescued her. Though Jason had definitely seemed to notice. Even as he began to answer Garcia, he kept his glossy hazel eyes firmly trained on her. When he finally did turn away, she found her gaze wandering.

She had noticed his attire when he had walked in. A fitting dark, gray t-shirt, and a pair of blue jeans that were far too revealing for a man. Not that he wasn't pulling it off, she reasoned. Now she was starting to enjoy the view, and her profiling skills were inadvertently kicking in. His skin was tan and weatherworn, obviously an outdoor working man. That meant that his muscles probably came naturally, and not from hours spent in the gym. He was definitely a small-town, country boy. And his face… damn. She'd been caught. He smiled brightly, which only intensified the blush that was consuming her cheeks.

"I need a refill." She stood quickly. "Anybody else?" She didn't really wait for an answer though, just made a b-line for the bar.

J.J. returned with a chair to see Emily booking off in the other direction. She looked down the table to Jason, and he was staring after her friend, biting down lightly on his lower lip. She shook her head and placed the chair between Dave and Garcia.

* * *

Usually, Derek would be on the dance floor after he was five drinks into an evening. His partner, as of late, would have been a toss-up. He seemed to venture out onto the floor with Emily about as often as he would with the random women that plucked up the courage to invite him. Emily had told him, in no uncertain terms, early on that it didn't bother her to see him flirt with other women.

_"So, I know that you don't care about the way I am with Garcia, but I'm sorry about that detective." The two of them had spent the better part of the past week cooped up in the back of a surveillance van with the local lead investigator. It got hot in Arizona, so the acceptable dress code had quickly been relaxed on the first day. Morgan had resorted to removing his dress shirt, and the skin-tight tank top left very little to the imagination._

_Of course, he had been more focused on the van's other occupants. Emily had lost the blazer early on, and both women had dropped a few more buttons on their tops than considered classy. _

_He had found himself almost choking on the view of his partner, and forced himself to tear his eyes off of her. By the time that he had noticed the detective, she had been veritably drooling. Some salacious flirtation, and he had found out that she had a thing for muscular arms. _

_He had flirted pretty heavily with her, but only out of compensation. With the way that he had been looking at Emily, he was almost afraid that the detective would report him for sexual harassment on her behalf. "I was trying to…"_

_"I don't wanna talk about that," Emily said, rolling over to face him. She propped herself up on her elbow, lazily tracing a finger over his collarbone. _

_He grabbed hold of her hand gently, stopping the motion. "I'm trying to apologize for acting like an ass here."_

_Her shoulders dropped, and the action was followed by a deep exhale. "And I'm trying to say that I don't care about that."_

_She leaned forward to kiss him and he put a hand on each of her arms, halting her midway. "You don't care about me flirting with another woman?" He wouldn't deny that he had been hurt by her choice of words._

_"Another woman?" she repeated questioningly. "Look Derek, I have no illusions about what this is." She gestured between them. "I'm not that woman. I'm not your woman." This time, he didn't try to hold her back._

Now he was wishing that he would have said something, that he would have pushed her away for a second time. Hell, a third time if it meant that she would understand.

He turned his stare away from the object of his thoughts and her new dancing partner, and was met with a familiar pair of cerulean eyes. "I know Jason is cute, but I thought you were more interested in women?"

J.J. had posed the question with a sarcastic tone, and Morgan knew that she had caught on. He tightened his jaw before giving in to her obvious conversation-starting ploy. "What do you know?" he asked carefully. "Better yet, what do you think you know?"

"Ha!" J.J. discreetly looked around to make sure that no one was in earshot. "That you and Prentiss are… extremely close friends."

He groaned. There was no denying it, no point in trying to really. He reluctantly nodded, earning a gleeful squeal from his friend.

"I knew it!" she boasted. "So, how long?"

Derek dropped his gaze to the table. "Long enough that I want to go smack your brother in the back of the head."

"Oh, sorry about that." She grimaced apologetically. "I wasn't one hundred percent sure, so I had to test you."

He met her eyes quizzically. "Test me, or test us?"

"You, of course," she replied without hesitation. "Everybody knows you're a player Derek Morgan, I'm just looking out for Em."

He huffed out his disagreement. "I don't think she needs any looking after."

J.J. narrowed her eyes. "Why do you say that?"

"It's nothing," he shrugged off the question. "I think I'm gonna call it a night." He got up, and then moved toward the exit. He heard her calling after him, but he just kept walking.

He was mad at Emily, sure, but he was deeply angry with himself. He really had thought that he could wait for her forever, if need be. But he had also thought that she had some kind of attachment to him, some form of loyalty that would keep her from hurting him. He wasn't sure if he was wrong about that or not after tonight, but he was positive that the only reason she had had anything to do with Jason was because of him. He had to make that stupid comment, to suggest that she was too old to be with J.J.'s brother. It was rash, and out of pure jealousy, but he had said it. He was fairly certain that it was the only reason for her actions. At least, he hoped it was.

**A/N: I'm writing this on the fly and, I gotta say, I am really liking Jason...**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I apologize for the short hiatus, but there were festivities that needed to be had this weekend. If you're still interested in this story, let me know. Short chapter to get back into it.**

It was late, but Emily was used to keeping odd hours. She'd left the bar only about an hour after Morgan, deciding to walk instead of taking a cab. It was a long, but welcome stroll. She quite enjoyed clearing her mind as she wandered home after a night of drinking, not necessarily taking the shortest path either. It wasn't like she had to worry about coming across anyone in a dark alley because she was more than capable of fending for herself.

It wasn't a dark alley that she saw him in though. Her chin dropped to her chest as she exited the elevator and spotted the man leaning by the door to her apartment. Her pace slowed until she stood still in front of him, somehow gracefully gnawing on her lower lip. He didn't move. "Is there a reason you're holding up that wall?" She wasn't exactly surprised by his presence, but she'd been hoping to avoid the conversation she knew that they were about to have for as long as possible.

He cleared his throat and finally acknowledged her, raising his head to catch her eye. "I was actually about to go home. Didn't think you'd be showing up."

It was a blunt insinuation. Her hands tightened into fists, keys digging into the palm of the right one. Her jaw clenched tight to avoid saying something that she would regret.

Derek spoke again. "Thought you'd gone home with Jason." He removed himself from the wall, and then went closer to her. "You sure acted like you wanted to."

Somehow he was managing to push all of her buttons in one go. She stepped toward her door, going through him instead of around.

"So what, you're just going to ignore me?" Derek grabbed her by the upper arm and spun her around to face him.

"You're damn right I am," she returned vehemently, jerking her arm from his grasp. "Why are you even here?"

"To make sure you came home." His voice was stern, and his dark brown eyes bore into hers.

Emily could barely contain the fury that was ignited in her at his words. "It's none of your business what I do, or who I do it with."

"Why not?" he almost yelled. Softer, he added, "You're my…"

"You're what, Derek?" She interrupted him. Her volume had risen, but it was firm and steady. She knew that she'd end up having to apologize to her neighbors for this little encounter. "Because the last time I checked, we were just friends." She stepped into him, forcing him backward and away from her apartment. "Friends don't stalk around, waiting for you to get home, just to call you out for having harmless fun with your best friend's brother. Did you really think that I would go back to J.J.'s to sleep with Jason, or were you hoping that I'd bring him back here?" She finally backed off from her attack, releasing a breath of air and nodding to herself. "Or were you so blinded by jealousy that you didn't even realize that he'd be staying at J.J.'s?"

He looked ashamed, like he knew that he'd screwed up. She could see him searching for the right words, for any words. "If you don't mind," she turned away from him, "I'd like to get some sleep."

"Emily?" There was a pleading in his voice that she couldn't disregard. She stopped, the doorknob mid-twist.

She addressed him without looking at him. "You don't own me, Derek. I'm not yours to keep." She disappeared into the dark apartment, shutting the door behind her.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Probably only one more chapter to go.**

Derek couldn't let it end there. He refused to let her close him out again. Like a possessed madman, he moved forward. He'd been a cop for the majority of his life so, if there was one thing that he knew he was good at, it was pounding on doors. He used the side of his fist to bang on the wooden barrier with all the might that he would have typically reserved for serving a warrant. "Open up!"

Immediately after the bellowing demand, the door jerked inward. "What the hell are you doing?" she hissed.

"Let me in," he ordered. Not waiting for her to deny him entrance, he put a hand on the door and pushed it open. He forced his way in, and he could clearly see the displeasure that the action had caused on her face. "I'm not letting you do this. You don't get to push me away this time."

"You're pushing yourself away, Derek." He instantly sobered, focusing solely on her. "I didn't sign up for this. What we had was what I wanted. I knew it was a bad idea from the get-go."

"I'm in love with you, Emily." He could see where she was headed, and he didn't like it at all.

"No," she challenged him. "You just think that you are." She looked down briefly before returning her gaze to his. "You don't even know me." She just sounded defeated to him now. "So, you know what?" The defeat was overpowered by false bravado. "It's over." His shoulders dropped dejectedly. "I'm done with whatever this was."

"Hey," he said, reaching out to her. "I know you." She remained quiet. "I know who you are, and I want you," he reaffirmed.

She pushed him away with a strong arm to his chest. "If you knew who I really was, you wouldn't say that." He was shocked that she could even think that. Sure, they had gone through a rough patch shortly after she had first joined the team, but he had been nothing but supportive and protective of her since. How could she possibly think that he would turn his back on her now? "Doyle," she choked out the name. "That's just the tip of the iceberg, Derek."

"That's okay," he reassured. "It's alright." He was confused now. He had always thought of Emily as a strong woman. He had no idea that she had been carrying around all of this self-hatred, and found himself wondering just how long she'd felt this way. "We've all got skeletons in our closets, Em." He pulled her into a solid hug. "We can talk about it if you like. But I gotta warn you, I won't be changing my mind. I'm a stubborn man."

She laughed lightly. "I already knew that." She looked around self-consciously. "I'm pretty sure half of the building does now too."

He smiled widely, earning a genuine one from her as well. "So, can I come in?"

* * *

Derek's past with Buford had been unearthed shortly after Emily had joined the team. No one had ever talked about it, but he knew that they had all worked out what that relationship had really been. "You already know about my deepest secret, do you still want to be with me?" As much as he desperately wanted her to say yes, he was still terrified that she wouldn't. That she would think less of him for what he'd been through. He was scared that, somehow, she would think that the ordeal had been his fault.

The two of them sat, facing each other, on Emily's loveseat. They'd been at this conversation for a few hours now, but had yet to accomplish anything other than rehashing things that they had been through together. Derek had already told her the moment that he had realized that she was the one that he wanted to be with; when Cyrus was beating her, and he was powerless to do anything but listen.

"Of course I do, Derek." She looked at him with confusion swimming in her eyes. She reached over and placed her hand atop of his. "Your friendship," she began, but then started over. "You, Derek Morgan, are the best thing that's ever happened to me, and I mean that."

He took ahold of her hand, making sure that he held her attention. "So what makes you think that I would feel any differently toward you if you told me about your past?"

**A/N: Question for you guys. Would you prefer the truth of the show for Emily's secret, or would you like me to throw in some other stuff to make it interesting?**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: First of all, I lied. There will be at least one more chapter.**

**So, this was supposed to be a oneshot. I'd like to thank those of you that asked me to continue it. I really like where it went, even if the chapters were ridiculously short. It took me a little bit to figure out how to end it, but I think it'll be nice.**

**To the Guest reviewer that always has such awesome things to say… I am planning on adding to that story, but I did a crossover with Dexter and have already promised to do that sequel next. I'll get to it ASAP though, but mainly because I wanna see where it goes! As a token of appreciation, I worked in part of your suggestion with Interpol (not in this chapter). Not my original idea, but I liked it.**

She wanted to believe him, and she knew that he was an honorable man. That was the problem though, that honor could take him in either direction. Emily wasn't sure which way would be worse. He would either turn around and run out of pure disgust, or stick with her out of a misguided sense of duty.

A single tear escaped from her. She stood up, driven by a sudden need to be in control of the discussion. "You don't understand. I hate myself for the things that I've done." She tried to explain. "I don't wanna lose you, Derek. It's better if we just go back to the way things were. 'No strings attached' has always worked best for me."

He slowly shook his head. "I can't go back to that. It's not an option." He pulled her back down to the couch. "If you want to be with me, you're going to have to talk to me."

She drew her knees to her chest in a feeble attempt at a last line of defense. "I got into drugs at a pretty young age." It was the tamest place that she had to start at.

"What kind of drugs?" he posited, clearly trying to keep her engaged.

She shrugged absently. "Started off as pot, but you know how those things go."

"Can I ask _why_ you used?" he probed gently.

She sighed. "I don't really know. I guess it was the best means that I had for escape. I certainly had the money, and I was definitely lacking the parental awareness."

His brow furrowed. "How old were you?"

"Thirteen when I started. I lied," she confessed. This conversation was going to be all or nothing for her. "I know exactly why I did it." He was going to be angry about this next part she thought, but he wanted the truth. "I don't talk much about my father," the rest of the sentence was lost as her throat tightened uncontrollably.

He put a hand on her arm, softly caressing the skin there. "Why not?"

She straightened her posture. "He was a Marine. Guess he saw some pretty bad stuff. He started drinking when I was eleven, when he was home on medical leave." She reached up and grabbed his hand, brining it back down between both of hers and mindlessly began playing with the digits. "By the time I was twelve, it wasn't unusual for him to bust into my room in the middle of the night and drag me out of bed." She met his eyes briefly before returning to the story. "He always had a reason."

"A reason for what?" She could tell that he was agitated now. He was furious, but trying to contain it.

"The first time it happened, I had gone downstairs to get a glass of water in the night. He stumbled in some time after last call." She cleared her throat. It had been years since Emily had last told this story. "He accused me of staying up too late, ignoring my bedtime. That time, it was just a black eye."

She saw the muscles of his jaw flex. "I cannot see the ambassador just sitting back and letting that happen."

"She was hardly ever around, unless I traveled with her. But that was only when I didn't have school, and I still barely saw her." She swallowed hard, but it was a bitter pill. "I did tell her about it. The day after it happened, but she didn't believe me."

"I'm sorry," he said, shaking his head.

She nodded her acceptance. "I started going with her as much as possible." She chuckled mirthlessly. "Being completely ignored beat being beat. I've always had trouble making friends, but doing drugs is like being in a club."

"You can find immediate acceptance with people you've only just met." She knew that he would understand that. He had grown up in the inner city during the seventies, there would have been no escaping that scene.

"Yeah." She sniffled, trying to hold on to what little composure remained. "I met John Cooley in Rome." She could see him working his brain to place the name, so she filled in the gap. "The guy that brought us Matthew Benton's case. The two of them were best friends. You know, that never made sense to me. Matthew was deeply religious at the time, I could never see why he hung out with a deadbeat like John. Like me," she trailed off. "I guess maybe he had always been on the verge of that lifestyle."

She took a deep breath. This, she had never told anyone but Rossi. "There's another way to find acceptance with teenaged boys." She hinted lightly. She saw the flash of comprehension in his eyes, and had to turn away before those eyes could cast judgment on her. If she was going to do this, she needed to get it over with. "I slept with John. I was young and stupid, and I ended up pregnant. It wasn't exactly easy for a fifteen year old girl to procure in Italy, but I had an abortion."

"Matthew," she had to stop midsentence. "Matthew went with me, and he stayed with me the entire time. We'd gone to the church at first, to seek advice. The reverend did nothing but make it very clear that I wasn't welcome to attend his service should I follow through with the procedure, but Matthew insisted that we go the next Sunday. I've never been so embarrassed in my life. The pastor actually stopped speaking when we entered, and he locked eyes with Matthew. It was the biggest battle of wills I think I've ever witnessed."

"Sounds like Benton was a good friend." Her eyes shot to Derek's. She didn't see revulsion or hatred, but genuine empathy.

"He was," she agreed wholeheartedly. "That day, the way that I was treated by the leader of our church, that made him question everything. He turned to drugs eventually. That's what messed up his life, me," she ended sourly.

It was Derek's turn to swallow hard. "You can't blame yourself for that. You said earlier that he always hung out with that deadbeat?" She nodded, vaguely aware that Derek had avoided using John's name. "Well, who's to say he wouldn't have ended up going down that path on his own?" She knew that he was right, but it didn't make her feel any less guilty.

"Anyway," she decided to carry on. "Things just went downhill after the abortion. I went back to the States to get away from it. I partied pretty heavily when I could, anything to avoid being home when my father got in. I didn't always manage to steer clear of him though. For my sixteenth birthday, some friends of mine had decided to take me out to celebrate. When they dropped me off the next morning, I found out that he had been waiting for me."

"It was bad?" he asked, and she knew that he didn't really want to know the answer.

"If I hadn't left my bag in the car, I probably would have died," she answered truthfully. "The friends that had taken me out were these four guys. Later, they told me that when they came back to return my bag they heard the commotion and busted in. They said that he was in the hospital for a few days, but I don't remember much. I was laid up for a couple of weeks. When I was coherent enough to ask, I found out that mother had swept it under the rug." His eyebrows rose, indicating his disbelief. "She couldn't have such a scandalous story about her family life, so she discreetly divorced him and moved on."

He was beyond livid now. "Did he ever try to make it right?"

"My father?" He nodded, and then she laughed at the idea. "I haven't seen, or heard a word from him since. Honestly though, I couldn't care less if I ever see him again." Derek sympathetically tipped his head. "Those guys, they're still my friends to this day. By the time I was eighteen, I was in pretty bad shape. They got me the help that I needed, and I got clean."

"And you stayed clean," he added, but she shook her head in the negative.

**A/N: So I did a little of both. I don't know about this though, I wrote it when I rolled out of bed this morning. Can't say that I'm entirely satisfied with it.**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I know you guys don't care about the excuses, so I'll let you get to it. Just know that I truly am sorry to leave you hanging for so long, and it was out of my control. Enjoy the final chapter, and be sure to let me know what you think!**

Derek understood that there were things about her past that she couldn't share with him. It wasn't out of a lack of trust, but because she had sworn an oath. He understood that particular duty more than most. Emily had told him what she could, but she'd also told him that it wasn't everything. She'd said that some aspects of missions she had worked while with the C.I.A. held a certain amount of sensitivity. She couldn't divulge all of it. Not even to him.

She had just finished telling him about an operation she had been involved in early on in her career. She'd been tasked with infiltrating a distributing branch of the cartel located just on the Mexican side of the border. She'd relapsed out of necessity, and he could rationalize that. He couldn't blame her for any of the things that she was so ashamed of. He knew that she'd ultimately been capable of making the decisions in her life but, with everything that she had just shared with him, he was in awe that she had turned out to be the woman sitting in front of him.

He sat motionlessly, blankly staring at her, at a complete loss for words. She'd just told him everything: everything in her life that she believed to be a wrong, every reason she hated herself and every mistake that she'd ever made. The flaws that he was now privy to only made him more adamant. "Listen, Emily. I know that was hard for you. You're a private person, and I understand why now."

She looked away, and he could see that she was overcome with shame.

"No." He wanted to stop that train of thought before it could pick up any traction. "You don't share things about yourself, your past because you're afraid that people will judge you. You're judging yourself, baby."

She seemed genuinely perplexed now.

He continued. "The things that you're so embarrassed of, they crafted you into the amazing person that you are." Derek took a moment to move closer to her. "No one could fault you for the things that you've been through."

"Please," the disagreement in her tone was palpable. "No one made me use, Derek." She choked back a sob. "No one made me give up my child."

"You were a child yourself." He instantly challenged. "Abortion is a choice that's yours to make. You justified it back then, so what's changed?"

"I don't know." She shrugged. "Maybe it's just my biological clock?"

"Well." He couldn't stop the smile that completely took over his face. "We've got plenty of time to work that out."

The flirtatious wink sent her over the edge. A ringing cell phone interrupted the lighthearted moment of laughter. "Hello," Derek answered. He groaned when J.J. began to speak. "I'm so sorry, I completely forgot. Text me the address, and I'll be there as A.S.A.P. Tell Henry that ice-cream is on me." He said his goodbyes, but then thought better of it. "Hey, J.J.? Can I bring a date?" He looked Emily over from head to toe. "Oh, I'm pretty sure you'll like her."

* * *

Emily hated only being able to hear part of a conversation. At the moment though, she was more concerned with what Derek had just said to her coworker. "Um?"

It wasn't exactly a sophisticated question, but it got the point across. "She knows," he said, not needing to add a name. Emily knew that her horrified expression served as a pretty good indicator that he did need to supply an explanation. "She asked me about us at the bar last night."

"How does she know?" Emily was sure that she hadn't been the one to give it away. She was more than confident in her ability to keep a secret.

"I don't know," Derek laughed out. She cocked her head to the side, and he laughed harder. "I didn't say a thing, I swear. Besides, it's not like we were dating at the time."

That made her realize what had really grabbed her attention during his phone conversation. He had asked if he could bring a date. It had been quite awhile since she had been in an honest to God relationship. Then she realized what else he had said. This man was offering her everything that she had secretly longed for over the years. He was practically begging her to be in a committed relationship with him, and he had even suggested having children.

"Right, but we are now…" She couldn't decide for herself if that was a statement or a question.

"Well, that's what I was hoping." He spoke softly, and it was strange for a man that usually had all the confidence in the world.

"Well, it's definitely what you're going to get." She leaned toward him to seal the decision with a kiss, but was shocked when he stopped her with a hand to her lips.

"We gotta get going," he said. Without a second of hesitation, he got up and walked toward the door.

Emily was left to contemplate just exactly where they were going to.

He popped back in. "Come on, Henry's game has already started."

* * *

They stepped out of the car, and into the warm afternoon sun. It was a small ballpark, and they found their friends with ease. The whole team had made it out to see Henry's first game. As Emily and Derek approached she took the time to appreciate their little family. They were all perched on the metal bleachers that were positioned behind the fence at home plate. Hotch sat at the top with his son, probably discussing the sport in what Emily was sure to be great detail. Dave sat on the other side of Jack, but was completely immersed in the game. Penelope sat on the bench the next level down with what appeared to be handcrafted cheerleading equipment. Spencer was to her left, pointing to something and speaking excitedly. There was no doubt in Emily's mind that Garcia had asked him a question that involved statistics, and he was enthusiastically answering. On the next level was Jason, sitting by himself. J.J. and Will were on the bottom level, and very happily chatting to some of the other parents to their right.

Emily's attention was drawn to Derek as he pointed out the reason for the gathering. Henry was waving energetically with his glove from third base, and she waved back. It was then that the team turned around to see whom the little boy was waving to. Derek took her hand and she didn't object. They trotted the rest of the way to the bleachers and greeted their friends.

They stood awkwardly for a second, as the only free space was on either side of J.J.'s brother. The man broke into a chuckle as he scooted to the side. "I was saving seats for the two of you."

"Awe, thanks," Emily said as she went to step up onto the aluminum bench.

"Yeah, thanks," Derek said when he pulled her back. Emily rolled her eyes. He sat next to Jason instead, and offered the man his hand. As they shook, he spoke with more seriousness. "Really man, thank you."

Jason laughed off the sincere gratitude. "Well, I wouldn't be too thankful. I was kind of hoping that you wouldn't man up, and that I'd get a shot." Derek gave the man a mock glare before laughing as well.

"I wouldn't push it there, buddy." J.J. warned her brother without ever looking away from the field.

"J.J.'s got a point," Emily added.

"J.J., huh?" he replied, lightly pushing his sister in the back. "I'm the original J.J., you know? She always has had to have everything I have."

"Wait a second." Garcia had peeled her attention away from the field when Henry's team went in to bat. "Why are you two holding hands?"

"Because they've been seeing each other for years," Dave answered from behind her without missing a beat.

Garcia turned bulging eyes back to the couple in question. She looked around at the others, seemingly shocked by the lack of response. The only other person that seemed to be even moderately surprised was Reid, but it only lasted for a split second. "Baby girl?" Derek's deep voice brought her gaze back to him. "I thought you were the all-knowing oracle or something?"

"Yeah," Emily joined in on the teasing. "You must be slipping, Pen."

"No." It was funny to see Penelope so caught off-guard. "Years?" she questioned in a high-pitched tone.

Derek and Emily looked at each other and giggled conspiratorially. As J.J., Will and Jason began to cheer, the team's focus was readjusted to Henry. He walked out onto the diamond with a bat in his hands.

* * *

The ice-cream parlor was a small place that she knew well. It was Derek's favorite spot in town, and Emily had been many times. She was glad that Garcia had settled down some, and immensely grateful that there were two small children present. Penelope had insisted on riding with Derek and Emily to the ice-cream shop, and Emily was hard-pressed to remember a time she had blushed more. Garcia was quite the interrogator when she wanted to be.

"Alright," it was killing her, "how did you guys know?" She got the look that said 'don't insult me, I'm a trained professional' from each of them, but she wasn't buying it. "Come on," she tried. "I didn't tell anyone, and I know that I didn't give off any vibes. Derek claims that he's not responsible, so how did you all know?"

"Actually," J.J. spoke around her cone, "it _was_ your fault, Emily."

"What?" What could she have possibly done to give herself away? "How?"

J.J. smiled almost smugly. "I called Derek to let him know that we had a case one morning."

"And?" Emily prodded, still not knowing where she had messed up.

"And," J.J. returned in a taunting manner. "You answered the phone. I asked you to let Derek know, and you said that you'd call him."

"So you knew that they were either together and she was lying about it, or they had switched phones by mistake?" Spencer asked.

"Yeah," J.J. conceded, "but I had a hunch that it was the first option. There was only one reason for you to lie about being together so early in the morning, and I just figured that you guys would tell us when you were ready." She snickered, shaking her head. "I didn't think it would take years. Guess I got a little impatient."

"Huh," Emily remembered that morning well.

_She had answered the phone in a fluster. It had only been the second time that she and Derek had spent the night together, and she had been terrified that the phone would wake him. If he had woken up before she had been able to slip out, she would have actually had to talk to him about the previous night. After she'd hung up with J.J., she'd gone downstairs and started his coffee machine. She had left a short note highlighting the information that had just been relayed to her._

Derek nudged her with his shoulder, bringing her back to the present. "Told you it wasn't me."

"Oh shut up," she said, pushing him back.


End file.
